When I suffered my first miscarriage at 8 weeks gestation, I did not know what to think, I did not know where to turn. So many thoughts rushed through my head… Why did this happen?…How did this happen?…What did I do wrong?…Is there a problem?…How can I fix the problem? I was so focused on what was wrong that I did not even give myself the chance to grieve the loss of my baby. My doctor told me it was a “blessing in disguise.” There was obviously “something wrong” with the baby and “nature was taking its course” in terminating the pregnancy. I had to suffer the painful experience of returning all the maternity clothes I had just bought.
I was thrilled when I learned I was pregnant again, just 7 months later. I thought, a miscarriage could not possibly happen again. I had a first ultrasound. The ultrasound tech said nothing. The silence was palpable. I never thought the sound of silence could be so painful. I knew what was going on, and yet I said nothing. When I received a phone call from my doctor, who asked me to come into the office as soon as possible, I knew what was coming. I again had to suffer the painful experience of returning all the maternity clothes I had just repurchased.
So what should you say to someone that has suffered a miscarriage? Please do not say it is a blessing in disguise. Please do not say there was probably something wrong with the baby. Please do not say that it is simply nature taking its course. Please do not say that you will forget all this when you have your baby. Please do not remind me that I am still young enough to get pregnant again. Although all these thoughts are well-intentioned, they are fraught with an underlying current that this is something I simply need to get over. I will never “get over” having my miscarriages.
All you need to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage is “I am sorry for your loss.” It is as simple as that. It is exactly what the women at the clothing store said to me when I returned my maternity clothes.
